CORONATION STREET 

Does anyone really care that Lauren is missing? She was hardly a legend of the cobbles, and more time has been devoted to her ‘murder’ than Jack the Ripper’s Whitechapel killing spree. 

Now Bethany’s in on the tedious act, convinced that Nathan had something to do with Lauren’s disappearance. 

Intent on tracking down Nathan’s girlfriend, who is his alibi, she and Daniel are confronted in the street by Nathan, who accuses Bethany of harassing said girlfriend. 

Who will take action to ensure that Bethany’s life isn’t ruined all over again? And who is the hooded figure who later attacks Nathan, knocking him unconscious? 

Nathan (right) confronts Bethany and Daniel is knocked down

Nathan (right) confronts Bethany and Daniel is knocked down

Nathan (Chris Harper) is knocked unconscious after aa hooded figure approaches and hits him over the head

Nathan (Chris Harper) is knocked unconscious after aa hooded figure approaches and hits him over the head

Doubtless another job for DS Swain, Weatherfield’s answer to Trumpton’s Policeman Potter. If only she spent as much time watching true crime on the telly as she clearly does in front of the mirror, doing her hair.

THE FINAL NAIL 

When Corrie’s Leanne goes to the Institute’s retreat, is it another nail in the coffin for her relationship with Nick? 

‘Yeah, I think so,’ says Ben Price (Nick). 

I’d say that coffin sailed long ago. 

Toyah is also playing detective and starts to investigate ex-members of the Altovalent Institute. 

Leanne is dismissive when Toyah finds evidence that the Institute is not to be trusted and eagerly takes up Rowan’s offer of a tour when he’s promoted to head of the North-West division.

Toyah may be a trained counsellor, but I’d pick the Institute over her ramblings any day. She’s conducted sessions in Speed Daal, for goodness’ sake, and is always dishing out advice to people in the Rovers. 

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It’s clear the stall is being laid out for her to have an affair with Nick. Physician, heal thyself! And stop smirking (yes, she’s still at it after all these years. You could tell her she had five minutes to live and she still wouldn’t be able to keep the grin off her face).

Bernie, it transpires, had another son called Zodiac (Zac for short) and is now determined to track him down under his changed name, Christopher Green. 

Doesn’t she have enough kids around with Paul, Gemma, the quads and Joseph? 

True, she’ll soon be losing Paul, but it’s not a Swap Shop. Paul has his last meal before the fitting of his feeding tube, by the way – should you be craving any more misery.

EASTENDERS 

Whitney Dean (Shona McGarty) in her hen do outfit - but Bianca is in interfering mode

Whitney Dean (Shona McGarty) in her hen do outfit – but Bianca is in interfering mode

What could possibly go wrong at Whitney and Zack’s Sten-do? Bianca’s in interfering mode and tells Lauren that if she doesn’t tell Whitney about sleeping with Zack, she will.

Penny locks Lauren and Whitney in the taco van, hoping they’ll sort out their differences, but just as Lauren’s about to reveal all, Whitney’s waters break. 

Hopefully not next to the flour – though it could save them time on making a batch of tortillas in the morning. When Lauren’s phone dies and her calls for help go unheard, will Whitney have to give birth in the taco van? Will it give her inspiration for a baby name? Taco Tuesday? Minced Beef?

Despite protestations from the Knight women, George is intent on taking part in another fight. Not again. Come on, change the record. Anna makes a last-minute attempt to stop it and leaves a message with George’s son, Junior.

Elaine is still smarting from George and Cindy’s kiss, but what does she expect? When George tries to kiss her, he needs a topiarist to battle through the hair, not to mention a chisel to make it through the lipstick.

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Lauren didn’t fall far from the tree…

All attempts to not turn out like her dad Max appear to be doomed for EastEnders’ Lauren – even though it’s her greatest fear. 

‘It’s so funny, I randomly watched a 2012 episode on BBC iPlayer,’ says Jacqueline Jossa (Lauren), ‘and Lauren was drunk and saying, “I’m going to turn out just like my dad.” I thought, OMG, yes, she has.’

And how did she feel when Bianca slapped Zack and Lauren? ‘Excited. It was iconic!’

EMMERDALE

Ethan’s in cuffs after dad Charles shops him 

Ethan Anderson (Emile John) is arrested for Nicky's accident and is devastated to realised that his own father Charles reported him to the police

Ethan Anderson (Emile John) is arrested for Nicky’s accident and is devastated to realised that his own father Charles reported him to the police

Ethan hopes Charles will give him a false alibi for the night he was driving the car that injured Nicky. Fat chance. 

They visit the church, presumably for divine inspiration, then Charles wastes no time in reporting Ethan, who is promptly arrested.

Blimey. Talk about God moving in mysterious ways. Couldn’t you have prayed a bit more about it, Charles? 

Asked for a conflab with the angels before shopping your own son? Come to think of it, maybe seeking God’s help isn’t such a good idea; he has form when it comes to sacrificing offspring.

Having been mega keen on Liam, Ella starts to feel overwhelmed by the speed at which the relationship is progressing. 

Really? Short of using chloroform, it’s hard to see how she could have forced her attentions on him any harder. So, what is she scared of him finding out? 

Poor Liam. He really doesn’t have much luck with the ladies. And what’s happened to his writing career? He was a better author of steamy fiction than he’s ever been a doctor.

Talking of men… Laurel suggests to Gabby that she break away from her ‘type’. Er, any man that breathes?

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