Mothers love their children; they’ll do anything for them. That’s what we’re told.
But I don’t believe my mother ever loved me. She certainly didn’t seem to care for me — or my three younger siblings — the way other mothers did.
She never hugged us or showed us affection. It wasn’t until I had my son, now 28, that I realised what maternal love should look like. Instinctively, I knew I would die for him.
On the other hand, my mother — who died eight years ago — made me feel unlovable. For her, I was never good enough.
My first memory of her criticising me was when I was just six. As I strutted playfully in front of a mirror, she said: ‘You’re starting to get fat — you want to watch that!’ It was the first of many derogatory comments about my body.
Experts estimate that one in 20 people in Britain have symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Over the years, I realised my mother wasn’t simply selfish or uncaring. Having researched the subject, I came to recognise that she very likely had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, though it was never formally diagnosed.
Everything in our family revolved around her. Our job was to bolster her over-inflated view of herself. And my father, an executive with Aer Lingus who died three years ago, always took her side. It took me 20 years to have the courage to turn my back on my mother, cutting all contact. It was the only way to save my sanity.
After I started to share my experiences around a decade ago it sparked a huge response; since then I’ve spoken to thousands of women with similar stories to tell, and have set up Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers in order to help others like me. More than two million people have visited my website, and I’ve written four books on the subject.
While I may not have professional training as a therapist, what’s clear is there are experiences that are common to everyone who’s had to suffer at the hands of a narcissistic mother.
And with experts estimating one in 20 people in Britain have symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it means many of us are living with such a parent.
Here are the ten questions you can ask to help identify if you have a narcissistic mother.
Does she celebrate your successes?
It’s normal for mums to bask in our achievements. But narcissists have such an over-inflated sense of themselves they can’t stand being second best.
Women have told me that even at their graduations their mothers would be practising one-upmanship, boasting that their degree was better.
Narcissistic mothers have such an over-inflated sense of themselves they can’t stand being second best, writes Danu Morrigan
When I told my mother I’d won a prize for one of my novels, she smiled smugly: ‘Well, you are related to James Joyce on my side, so that’s not surprising.’
In those few words she managed to dismiss all my hard work and determination. It wasn’t just unkind, it was rubbish — a fantasy born of the fact her Irish grandfather had a passing physical resemblance to the writer.
Is she supportive in tough times?
If your mother’s a narcissist, she’s got so little empathy she doesn’t have a clue what you need. One woman told me how she sobbed down the phone to her mother after she had a miscarriage. Instead of providing a sympathetic ear, her mother said: ‘You’ve got to stop crying. It’s tough for me. I’ve lost my grandchild and you’re making me even sadder.’
Do you feel confused after being with her?
Narcissists genuinely believe they always know best and can never bear to be wrong. Being raised by them is like living in a hall of mirrors. Nothing is as it seems. A form of gaslighting, they will swear that black is white, and if we dare to demur they will accuse us of having a ‘vivid imagination’ or that the problem is with us.
I would have terrible rows with my mother and, the next time I saw her, she would deny they had ever happened. ‘You’re just being over-sensitive,’ she’d snap.
They make you question your own sense of reality, and spending time with them is draining.
When Danu told her mother she had won a prize for one of her novels, her mother said: ‘Well, you are related to James Joyce (pictured) on my side, so that’s not surprising’
Does she have favourites?
Narcissistic mothers fall into two categories: Ignoring Mothers like mine who are so engrossed in their own selves they ignore their children, or Engulfing Mothers who see their children as extensions of themselves. The Engulfing Mothers can have a Golden Child who can do no wrong, along with a Scapegoat who is blamed for everything. That’s commonly the child who dares to question her.
Does she respect your personal space?
Did your mother read your teenage diary? Did she barge into your bedroom without knocking? We all know teenagers can be tricky. But narcissists have an excessive need to control the people around them. I’ve even heard of mothers removing their children’s bedroom doors.
How did she behave at your wedding?
If there’s one thing narcissists can’t resist it’s the chance to upstage their daughters. That’s why weddings are catnip to them.When I got married, my mother didn’t care that the red dress she chose clashed with my purple and cream colour scheme.
I wouldn’t have known, as she and my father said they would keep my mother’s outfit a ‘surprise’ for me on the day.
Luckily, I discovered the plan in time to challenge her on it. She only begrudgingly agreed to change to another outfit when my father — unusually — insisted. But she never forgot it. A few years later when Princess Diana wore a purple and red dress, she made sure to point it out to me.
Princess Diana attends an event in London wearing a red and purple chiffon evening dress in June 1988
Does she blame you if things go wrong?
Narcissists expect to be recognised as brilliant even if they don’t have the achievements to prove it. Daughters can end up being blamed for everything that went wrong in their mothers’ lives. ‘I could have been a world-class opera singer if I hadn’t had you,’ was what one guilt-ridden child revealed her mother had told her.
My mother was a heavy smoker and made regular attempts to quit. She never managed. But she didn’t blame her own lack of willpower; instead she blamed us children, telling us we made her life so difficult she needed cigarettes to cope.
Does she build you up, Then tear you down?
Because everything is only important in as much as it impacts on them, narcissistic mothers often see-saw between bigging up their daughters and belittling them when they start feeling jealous.
In their minds, if someone else is being admired, then they are being ignored, so as we grow up and threaten to outshine them, all hell can break loose.
One daughter confided how, when she hit 14 and started attracting admiring glances for her long blonde hair, her mother marched her off to the hairdresser to get it all shorn off.
Does she hijack your children?
I’ve lost count of the number of women who’ve told me about the insidious ways their mothers inveigle their way into their grandchildren’s affections.
It’s natural to spoil your grandchildren. But narcissists go way over the top, muscling their daughters aside so they can win top spot in their grandchildren’s lives. It’s common for narcissistic grannies to talk about ‘my baby’.
It can be particularly destructive as children grow older. I know of grandmothers who undermine their daughters in order to curry favour, be it letting them drink in their homes or buying their love with hefty handouts.
Is she a fan of the fauxpology?
Fauxpologies are a favourite trick of narcissists.
Here, what she says sounds like an apology, but she’s not taking responsibility for her behaviour.
So a narcissistic mother might say ‘I’m sorry you’re upset’ or ‘I’m sorry you think I wasn’t a good mother’ or ‘I’m sorry you can’t take a joke.’
In each of these examples, she’s not acknowledging her own wrong-doing. The issue is your upset, your thoughts or your lack of humour, never her actions.
How To Go No-Contact With Your Narcissistic Mother by Danu Morrigan (£10.99) is published by DLT Books (daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com)
As told to Tessa Cunningham.
