A gay conversion fighter has revealed how he would pray to God every night and ask to be ‘healed’.
Sydney man Chris Csabs said he had struggled with his sexual identity and tried a variety of gay conversion therapies since he was 16-years-old.
‘I was gay and had grown up steeped in an ideology that told me that God had not made me that way,’ he said.
Ms Csabs lifted the lid on the dangers of the therapies as the NSW Labor and Liberal parties confirmed they would back a ban on them ahead of the state election.
Premier Dominic Perrottet backed the change ‘in-principle’ on Friday to mark the first day of Sydney WorldPride.
Chris Csabs (pictured) was subjected to gay conversion therapy in his church for years
His announcement came after Labor leader Chris Minns said he would support banning the damaging practices.
Conversion therapy is currently legal in NSW despite it already being banned around the country including states such as Victoria, the ACT and Queensland.
Mr Csabs is among many people who say the hurt and shame that was foisted on them over the years continues to cause great distress.
Mr Csabs, 37, is the co-founder of Sexual Orientation & Gender Identity Change Efforts Survivors, a group that has pressed for years for an end to the practice.
He grew up in a Christian family in Sydney’s eastern suburbs and went to church most of his life, but spent years trying to change his sexuality from gay to straight.
Mr Csabs felt his Christian ideology was telling him that God had not made him that way, that there was something ‘broken’ in him that needed to be ‘fixed’.
From the age of 16 and for years afterwards, he tried to change by praying, exorcisms, Christian counselling, suppression and abstinence.
After eventually accepting that he was who he was, he has struggled to heal from the damage caused by conversion practices.
Mr Csabs was just 10-years-old when he realised he was different to his school peers.
‘I had a crush on the boys at school. I always was a little bit feminine … and I tried really, really hard to pretend that I liked basketball and all I wanted was to be like the other boys,’ he told Sydney Morning Herald.
‘But it was just a losing battle, particularly when they called me a ‘f****t’.’
In his church he heard that gay people were deviants and paedophiles.
One time, he overheard a conversation between his father and another man at the church.
The man had said he had prayed over a ‘homosexual’ and that he brought ‘seven demons out of him’.
Mr Csabs thought that meant he too had a demon inside of him.
When he was 15, Chris Csabs (pictured) spoke to a pastor at church who prayed over him to try to convert him from being gay
When he was 15, after speaking first to his mum, he spoke to a pastor at church who prayed over him.
He was told that being gay is a disorder, a form of brokenness caused by a negative cause such as an abusive or an absent parent, an alcoholic in the family or having a demon inside them.
‘I never got to an answer because, of course, there is no negative cause to me being gay,’ he said.
Mr Csabs said though his father was very loving, he was also very homophobic ‘because he didn’t know better’.
After switching from a Christian school to a public school, he came out when he was 17 and had a boyfriend.
He then thought he was going to hell and went back in the closet.
Mr Csabs prayed every night, asking God to either heal him or kill him.
He went to a ‘deliverance ministry’, which is like an exorcism, where he had to list all the people he had sexual contact with, or even had a crush on.
The woman holding the exorcism would recite an incantation demanding the ‘bond with the demon of homosexuality’ be broken.
As he left the exorcism, the pastor said to him that Satan would try to trick him into thinking he was still gay, but that actually he had been saved.
On the drive home, Mr Csabs thought he was straight, but then he realised he was still gay when he saw a guy he fancied walking by.
But he was not done with the torture, and for years more tried to change his behaviour, becoming uncomfortable with his body and sabotaging male friendships.
Eventually, through the help of his parents, who had moved on in their views, Mr Csabs came to accept himself
He is suspicious, though, of what kind of legislation NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet will try to bring in if the Coalition retains power in the March 25 state election
Eventually, through the help of his parents, who had moved on in their views, he came to accept himself.
Having a coffee with his mum one day, she said, ‘Chris, you’ve became a shell of yourself. You’ve stopped laughing and singing.’
She told him that she and his dad had come to the conclusion that ‘maybe the reason God hasn’t healed you is because there’s nothing wrong with you’.
Speaking about gay conversion on Friday, Mr Perrottet said: ‘There is no room for any harmful practices in NSW, particularly if they affect our young and vulnerable.
‘When the parliament returns, my government will provide in-principle support for legislation that brings an end to any harmful practices.
‘This is a complex matter and in working through it with parliamentary colleagues we will carefully consider the legal expression and effect of such laws.’
Mr Csabs is, however, suspicious of what kind of legislation Mr Perrottet will try to bring in if the Coalition retains power in the March 25 state election.
He said he does not want a bill that copies the Queensland legislation, which he said only applies in the formal ‘therapeutic’ context.
Mr Csabs wants conversion therapy completely banned, including in any religious context.
