Before considering remarriage, it’s important to ponder what you want from this union and to ask yourself if you’ve recovered from your first marriage.
Let’s face it, most second marriages face obstacles that first ones don’t. It’s no surprise that while the divorce rate for first marriages hovers around 45%, the rate for second marriages is approximately a whopping 67%.
After all, when people get remarried, they carry baggage from their first marriage that can cause them to sabotage a new relationship if they haven’t healed and worked through the issues that contributed to the demise of that relationship.
Add to that baggage is the realization that there are often a lot more players in a second marriage — -such as children from former spouses, step-children, and sometimes even new children from this marriage.
Couples also often rush into tying the knot without truly getting to know each other.
Discussing issues in a timely and respectful way will help you become better at repair skills, allow you to bounce back from disagreements and build a successful long-lasting relationship
8 keys to success in a remarriage:
- Create a relaxed atmosphere to spend time with your partner in new ways. For instance, changing the topic to something unrelated; using humor to diffuse tension; or offering your partner signs of appreciation such as “I love it when you snuggle with me on the couch.”
- Establish an open-ended dialog regarding concerns of all family members. Don’t be surprised if some of your discussions are heated — -especially around hot-button issues such as money, custody plans, chores, vacations, etc.
- Don’t let resentment build. Express thoughts, feelings, and wishes in a respect and timely way. Take a risk and deal with hurt feelings — -especially if it’s an important issue rather than stonewalling or shutting down.
- Discuss hot button issues and personality conflicts privately — –but hold regular, informal family meetings (where everyone feels heard) to clear the air and address family issues. Avoid trying to prove a point and examine your part in a disagreement.
- Practice Forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning the hurt done to you but it will allow you to move on. Try to remember you are on the same team.
- Make your marriage a priority. Make a commitment as a couple to do things you enjoy without your children. A “date night” or couples time can be very enriching — -even if it’s a walk or grabbing a sandwich at a restaurant together.
- Don’t let differences in child rearing come between you. The role of the stepparent is one of a friend and supporter rather than a disciplinarian. Learn new strategies and share your ideas.
- Don’t issue ultimatums such as “I’m leaving if things don’t improve.” Take the “D” word (divorce) out of your vocabulary. Make a commitment to stay together (unless there is abuse) and accept that there will be ups and downs. Discuss expectations to avoid misunderstandings.
Successful couples use productive disagreements, which are more like discussions than arguments, to improve communication. They’ve learned how to bounce back from conflict in a healthy way. Learning to fight fair and repair hurt feelings is something that most happy couples have mastered.
If you embrace the notion that conflict is an inevitable part of a marriage, and that not all problems have to be resolved, you’ll bounce back from disagreements faster and build love, trust, and intimacy with your partner. Over time, many of the kinks in your marriage will smooth out and you’ll adjust and thrive in your second marriage.
The best way to beat the odds and to see your second marriage succeed is to risk being vulnerable with your partner and making your marriage a priority. Determination, respect, acceptance, patience, and having a good sense of humor can go a long way to improving your chances of success the second time around.
