Rome had Nero.
America has the executives at Peacock.
The concupiscent geniuses behind wildly popular smut, like Love Island and Temptation Island (was Epstein Island taken?), have introduced a titillating new offering into the soft-core porn genre – Couple to Throuple.
Like the show’s contestants – the title gives it away too easily.
Here’s the premise: four ‘sex-positive’ (read: licentious) couples gather in a tropical paradise to experiment with alternative lifestyles – as desperately horny singles compete to join them in a tripod of early childhood trauma otherwise known as the throuple.
Think: Flavor Flav meets The Bachelor with more daybeds. And similar to Couple to Throuple’s reality show predecessors, each participant uses the same lingo.
Everyone is on a journey. They’re all looking for a connection and good energy. And they all swear they’re in for the right reasons.
After six episodes of the 10-show series, I felt like my soul had contracted chlamydia and I needed Valtrex for my eyes.
After six episodes of the 10-show series, I felt like my soul had contracted chlamydia and I needed Valtrex for my eyes.
Now, before we go further, let me be clear: I have nothing against consenting adults choosing whomever and however many partners they want. My motto is: if it’s not hurting anyone, what’s the problem?
I’m also a devoted fan of the genre.
Nothing beats Love Island: Australia (Season One). The winner was a greasy charmer named Grant Crapp. His name, neck tattoos and good ‘bantah’ told you everything you needed to know about this young bachelor, who may or may not have had a girlfriend waiting at home the entire time.
Spoiler alert: he did!
That’s just good fun but then there is this abomination – a devilish mash-up of the basest tricks of the category. It’s the Jerry Springer of dating shows.
The first episode opens on a sandy nirvana (a random beach in Panama), as a voice intones, ‘If you were given a chance of nonmonogamy in paradise, what would you do? Has monogamy been holding us back?’
Fair question. One thousand years of cultural monogamy in Western civilization may have an answer to that, but go on…
Couple to Throuple is hosted by some perma-grinned guy named Scott Evans (who bangs a gong to denote scene changes) and a ‘sex expert’ Shamyra Howard – the Dr. Drew of sexperting.
Of course, anyone truly serious about exploring sexuality and helping others heal probably wouldn’t do it on TV, but there’s always the paycheck.
Then, we are introduced to our couples, who want to throuple.
This abomination – a devilish mash-up of the basest tricks of the category. It’s the Jerry Springer of dating shows.
There is the gay couple, Ashmal and Rehman (Ashmal: I’m bisexual and Rehman is tri-anything sexual!’); the buff bodybuilding couple, Dylan and Lauren (Dylan: ‘We’re already married but we want others to feel our love’); the African-American couple Sean and Brittne who have zero chemistry and who are there so, according to Sean, ‘maybe Brittne can stop talking my ears off and have a best friend’ – no wonder they’re looking for a third!
And there’s the married Burning Man dropouts, Corey and Wilder (In case you’re confused: Corey is the woman. Wilder has a porn stache and a faux-hawk mullet).
Corey has ‘trust issues’ as Wilder has cheated tried to enter a throuple without her when she was in the bathroom at a party.
Tomato, Tomahto.
This time she’s in charge! She is going to be there when the action happens!
Soon after that, we meet the lab rats (I mean, singles).
‘Bring out the hotties!’ booms an off-camera master of ceremonies.
A long line of technically good-looking, enhanced men and women enter the pool area in various stages of undress.
Everyone’s excited.
Ashmal, (while staring at the bulging crotch of a man in budgie smugglers) notes: ‘He looked like Thor and the hammer was right there.’
Lest you think Ashmal was just in it for physical, showing some discernment, he adds, ‘We’re from Chicago – LA gays do have some type of reputation.’
Corey and Wilder interview potential partners thusly: ‘You rock climb? Chef’s kiss! She’s a freak like a Scorpio… I’m a Leo (chef’s kiss!)’
Sean and Brittney have similarly deep conversations with their potential mates.
‘Have you heard the earth has different chakra points? Joshua Tree is one!’
Brittne: ‘That’s deep. Sean has seen spirits. Have you?’
‘Definitely’
‘Bring out the hotties!’ booms an off-camera master of ceremonies. (Above) Lina Chang,a professional relationship designed, is one of 14 singles on Couple To Throuple
The African-American couple Sean and Brittne (above, in a throuple) who have zero chemistry and who are there so, according to Sean, ‘maybe Brittne can stop talking my ears off and have a best friend’ – no wonder they’re looking for a third!
Corey and Wilder (above) interview potential partners thusly: ‘You rock climb? Chef’s kiss! She’s a freak like a Scorpio… I’m a Leo (chef’s kiss!)’
Brittne: ‘We’re gonna vibe.’
The couples make their choices and immediately go to bed. The potential partners express something along the lines of, ‘we feel like we know you already!’
Moaning, groaning, and sheet sweating ensues – all captured on grainy surveillance video.
What follows next is… obvious.
Here we are, in a world of ill-advised tattoos, fast fashion, spray tans and banana hammocks where bad decisions are de rigeur.
But don’t mistake this show as simply an excuse to broadcast orgiastic hookup play, there are also deeply unsettling emotional breakdowns.
There are tears when ‘trust’ built over two clammy nights in the sack is broken (wait til they get the doctor’s bill!).
Couples are torn asunder (albeit not enough in my humble opinion), jealousy ensues and, naturally, there’s the desperation of not wanting to be dumped at the concluding ‘Stay or Swap Ceremony’.
Even if the single contestants can’t stand the people that they are throupled with – the thought of not being chosen by two losers is just too overwhelming for our hotties.
There’s shame, sorrow and existential dread.
Moaning, groaning, and sheet sweating ensues – all captured on grainy surveillance video. What follows next is… obvious. (Above) Corey and single, Denyse
Don’t mistake this show as simply an excuse to broadcast orgiastic hookup play, there are also deeply unsettling emotional breakdowns.
Couple to Throuple is hosted by some perma-grinned guy named Scott Evans (who bangs a gong to denote scene changes) and a ‘sex expert’ Shamyra Howard (above) – the Dr. Drew of sexperting.
At the culmination of the first ‘Stay or Swap’ ceremony, one of the contestants who wasn’t picked, mumbles, ‘Maybe I dodged a bullet?’
To which I can only say, ‘Yes. Yes, you did.’
In the latest episode, there’s a twist – a new couple is introduced during the Garden of Eden Party.
Host Sean: ‘This isn’t the real Eden – there is no forbidden fruit here!
Maximo, a flamboyant homosexual man from Bushwick and Ash, his femme formerly lesbian lover: ‘We are from Bushwick, New York and our love throws gender norms out the window!’
(It doesn’t make sense. But no one cares.)
Just before this sick chapter ends, Maximo and Ash are given the option of taking on a third – single or throupled up!
A cliffhanger. The suspense is not killing me.
There’s not enough penicillin in the world to get me through the rest of this series.
And so, as the world burns and America faces a geriatric election smackdown in adult diapers, 10 morons decide whether to stay with the moron next to them or add another moron into their mess.
I’d rather watch the news.
Paula Froelich is a NewsNation senior story editor and New York Times best-selling author
